It’s no accident that, for many seniors, “retirement” and “relocation” often go hand in hand. As the old cliché has it, retirement is typically thought of as a time to be footloose and fancy free. In other words, it’s that time when you can finally live however and wherever you please. 

(Moving in retirement is a frequent topic here on the Blog. For more insight, check out this article from 2024 with some points to consider before deciding to pick up stakes and relocate.) 

There are plenty of reasons retirees decide to move. Climate remains one very common reason, which is why Arizona and Florida still draw thousands of retirees annually. Others choose to move because they long for the small college town, or the lure of the big city, or the place in the mountains or near the beach. Everyone has their own motivation. 

As Families Scatter, Parents Often Decide to Follow 

But as you might imagine, thousands of seniors each year decide to move for another obvious reason: to be closer to family. In fact, one study of those who had recently relocated showed that half all respondents 65 and older said they had moved chiefly for that reason. 

The desire to live closer to your family may be a common rationale to relocate, but is it the right one? And are there precautions you need to take before deciding? This week we discovered this column in the Wall Street Journal in which nationally-known journalist and author Francine Russo provides some cautionary answers. Russo’s advice: consider all the factors before deciding on that “family-driven” move. Otherwise, it could create more stress than it solves.  

Let’s dive deeper into this potentially touchy issue. (Please note that a subscription may be required to access the Wall Street Journal online.) 

Natural Desire to be Closer to Kids and Grandkids 

Baby boomers continue to retire at a rapid pace, Russo says, and many of those retirees are following a “natural desire” to be near their adult children. “It makes sense: They get to see their children and grandchildren regularly, help with babysitting and other chores, and have the assistance that they themselves may need in later years,” Russo writes.  

But she also cautions that the decision to move closer to the kids may not be as simple as it seems. There are all kinds of hidden issues that parents and children may not be aware of.  

“Your adult children most likely have ideas and goals of their own that may or may not mesh with yours,” she writes. “There can also be the feelings of other siblings to consider—the children you are choosing not to be near.” 

Before jumping in, Russo gives us the following points that family therapists urge parents and children to consider when relocation is on the table.  

Same Family, Different Lives: “Never Assume!” 

“As close as you may be to your adult children, you do lead separate lives, whether you live in different time zones or just across town,” Russo writes. 

Because of this, she says, you can’t really know what their plans are, short-term or long-term, and whether they fit with yours. “For instance, the child you might be counting on to take care of you might be less available than you think,” she writes. “The obvious lesson: Never assume.” 

Larry Barlow, assistant professor of marriage and family therapy at Capella University, experienced this on a personal level at one family Thanksgiving. Barlow says, “My wife said to our older son, ‘Tony, you’re going to have to get used to helping us old people manage these things.’ And he said, ‘Nope, that won’t happen.’”  

It turned out their son was moving to Germany to care for his wife’s parents. The Barlows had no idea.    

Don’t Back Your Kids Into a Corner 

Russo encourages parents to ask exploratory questions instead of presenting their kids with a decision. Sample questions: “If I moved near you, what would that be like for you? What would be the pluses and minuses?” Get the dialogue started early in the process, and try not to be hurt or surprised by the responses you receive. 

Carol Podgorski, professor of psychiatry and marriage and family therapist at the University of Rochester Medical Center, says that it’s vital not to back your adult kids into a corner. Allow them plenty of time to consider how the arrangement would work in their life, and give them plenty of openings to express their emotions.   

She also recommends bringing up the subject when everyone is in the same room. “Putting out a feeler in a noncrisis situation to see what kind of reactions you get is a really valuable thing,” she says. 

Your Relationship with Each of Your Kids is Unique 

We’re human, and preferences are normal, but Russo says that it might not be wisest to simply choose to be closer to the child you most enjoy spending time with.  

“For instance, while you may prefer the company of one child, you may find it easier to talk frankly with another, especially about sensitive health decisions and end-of-life care,” she writes. “On a deeper level, ask yourself whether your relationship with each child is adult-to-adult or more parent-child.” 

Podgorski agrees. When it’s the latter, she says, you’re mostly still taking care of that child’s needs, “and as you get older, your needs increase, and you’re not always going to want to be the giver.” 

Russo puts it this way: “Who, for instance, are you more likely to pay attention to when they tell you it’s time to stop driving, or that you should give up your evening cocktail? You may think you’ll never need that kind of intervention, but you can’t know how you’ll develop as you age.” This calls for maturity on the part of both generations. 

Beware of Hurt Feelings and Misunderstandings 

We noted above that parents need to guard against having their feelings hurt if their kids express reservations about mom and dad moving closer. But your adult kids have feelings, too. 

Emotional responses can vary in the adult children who aren’t “chosen,” Russo says. They may feel relieved of the burden, or downcast that you’re moving further away from them. Or they may even feel rejected (“and perhaps not for the first time,” Russo adds).  

She writes, “Explain to them the pros and cons that you considered. And, to ease the distance, offer to spend certain holidays with them or to fly them out to see you for regular get-togethers.” 

Future Circumstances May Trigger a Change of Heart 

How we choose to live out our later years isn’t a one-and-done choice, Russo reminds us. These decisions tend to evolve as we age.  

“Your view of aging will be very different in your 90s than it was in your 70s,” she writes. “In addition, your children’s lives may evolve because of health, work, their kids leaving home or things that were never anticipated.” 

Connecticut-based psychotherapist Sharon O’Neill’s wise words conclude the article: “There is no decision you make that is cast in concrete. We may think we know how things will play out. Be ready to be surprised for the good or the bad, and know that whatever choices you make will always need your patience and flexibility to find the right path.” 

Rajiv Nagaich – Your Retirement Planning Coach and Guide 

The long-awaited book by Rajiv Nagaich, called Your Retirement: Dream or Disaster, has been released and is now available to the public. Retirement: Dream or Disaster joins Rajiv’s ground-breaking DVD series and workbook, Master Your Future, as a powerful planning tool in your retirement toolbox. As a friend of AgingOptions, we know you’ll want to get your copy and spread the word.  

You’ve heard Rajiv say it repeatedly: 70 percent of retirement plans will fail. If you know someone whose retirement turned into a nightmare when they were forced into a nursing home, went broke paying for care, or became a burden to their families – and you want to make sure it doesn’t happen to you – then this book is must-read. 

Through stories, examples, and personal insights, Rajiv takes us along on his journey of expanding awareness about a problem that few are willing to talk about, yet it’s one that results in millions of Americans sleepwalking their way into their worst nightmares about aging. Rajiv lays bare the shortcomings of traditional retirement planning advice, exposes the biases many professionals have about what is best for older adults, and much more. 

Rajiv then offers a solution: LifePlanning, his groundbreaking approach to retirement planning. Rajiv explains the essential planning steps and, most importantly, how to develop the framework for these elements to work in concert toward your most deeply held retirement goals.  

Your retirement can be the exciting and fulfilling life you’ve always wanted it to be. Start by reading and sharing Rajiv’s important message. And remember, Age On, everyone! 

(originally reported at www.wsj.com)