Here on the Blog, we seldom feature articles from advice columnists – but this week we’re making an exception. 

Carolyn Hax has been a Washington Post advice columnist since 1997. Usually, her popular columns deal with relationships, family conflict, and so on. But in this recent Washington Post column, Hax surprisingly deals with an issue that is right out of one of Rajiv’s seminars. A reader asked Hax for advice on how to confront a family member who refuses to address an obvious need for some basic estate planning. 

We suspect most families have at least one member who displays a stubborn attitude toward getting their affairs settled before death or a health emergency occurs. While Hax offers one possible approach, we know there’s much more to this question. First, let’s look at Hax’s response to her reader’s query – then we’ll ask Rajiv to weigh in. 

Nephew Worries About an Uncle Who Needs an Estate Plan 

First of all, here’s a look at the reader’s question for Hax. They set the scene: “My uncle never married and does not have kids. My brother and I will be his closest relatives by the time he dies. What I want to know is — is it acceptable for me to ask my uncle if he has thought about creating a will?” 

The reader goes on to explain that there will be property to handle, as well as “a nearly hoarder-level amount” of stuff, including furniture and family heirlooms.  

“I understand from friends that it is very complicated to deal with an estate if there is not a will,” they write. “I am not worried about inheriting anything. My uncle is not particularly wealthy. I just don’t want it to be harder than it has to be for my brother and me if one easy step can help.” 

The reader concludes with the observation that their uncle can be somewhat “caustic”, which leaves the rest of the family struggling to broach this subject with him. “But I want to be more open about it — is that okay?” 

Failure to Address the Need Doesn’t Help Anyone 

Carolyn Hax’s reply is clear: “Of course, it’s ‘okay’ for his closest relatives to ask about any arrangements he might have made. In fact, I’d argue that it’s not okay for everyone to avoid broaching difficult topics with him out of fear.”  

That said, Carolyn is quick to note that there are inappropriate and even disrespectful ways to approach this issue. “But there are also less-loaded, just-as-honest ways to approach it: namely, through the other legal paperwork that any responsible adult has who isn’t in denial,” she writes.  

Hax Argues that Everyone Needs a Basic Estate Plan 

Advice Columnist Carolyn Hax reminds the reader—and all of us—that a basic estate plan isn’t just something older adults have to think about.  

“A HIPAA release, health care proxy, advance health care directive and durable power of attorney aren’t only for those of us on the more fossilized end of the spectrum,” she quips. “Anyone can wind up in the hospital, unable to self-advocate.” 

She urges that anyone over 18 should be thinking about what decisions we would want made on our behalf, and who in our lives we want to name to make those emergency decisions and transactions for us.   

Approach the Uncle with Empathy and Patience 

“So, the uncle,” she writes. “Approach him as part of your process for securing your own emergency care and last wishes. ‘Brother and I have shared our wills and proxy forms with each other, to make sure each of us is prepared to speak for the other in case of emergency.’” 

She adds, “This will not be a lie because you either have done this already or are going to do it now because I said so. (Seriously, it’s important.)” 

Then, after this expectation has been set and modeled, follow it up with: “Do you have someone to act in this capacity for you? If not, then we are both willing to be your person.”  

Carolyn notes that if you are okay with this arrangement, tell the loved one that you’d like them to have backups of your information, too.  

If the Uncle Won’t Engage, Nephew Has Few Options 

“How he reacts to your offer — your inclusion — will tell you whether he is even remotely open to the more difficult parts of this conversation,” she writes. “But at least by approaching it this way, he can’t accuse you of wishing him dead or circling him like vultures without actively ignoring the fact that you have invited him to circle over you.” 

She’s quick to add that, realistically, he might still make the accusation. “And if he rebuffs you, well, that’s that.” 

She adds this very important note in concluding her response. “[I]t really is a kindness to your uncle,” Hax states. “It’s not just about possessions and death planning but also his life planning. Unless we want nothing, the cosmic coin-flip, we need people to know what we want — which means having the guts to bring it up. So, yeah. Good luck.” 

Rajiv Weighs In: There Are Other Ways to Approach the Issue 

As we often do here at the Blog, we asked Rajiv Nagaich for his input on how to broach a delicate topic with a relative – in this case, a “prickly” one. 

“Even though this is a so-called advice column, there are a couple of points that deserve emphasizing,” Rajiv responded. “Her final statement, for example: she said, ‘We need people to know what we want – which means having the guts to bring it up.’  I say she is spot on.” 

Rajiv adds, “Too many people do their estate planning as if the only thing that matters is what happens to your stuff after you die. But what about the very likely scenario that happens when someone is frail or disabled – what happens to you then? It’s your responsibility to make sure those entrusted with your care know what kind of care you want – and don’t want.” 

The other point the article makes might be harder to accept, says Rajiv. “In this scenario, there’s an uncle who doesn’t want to talk about estate planning. The advice columnist says, if you approach the uncle and he rebuffs you, then that’s that – you have no further options. But my advice, whether you’re dealing with an uncle or a parent or a sibling, is not to give up. They may not want to open up today, but things can change tomorrow. Be empathetic, be respectful, and be persistent.” 

One idea: invite them to come with you to one of Rajiv’s free retirement seminars. It will open their eyes and get them thinking! For details, visit our Events page. 

Rajiv Nagaich – Your Retirement Planning Coach and Guide 

The long-awaited book by Rajiv Nagaich, called Your Retirement: Dream or Disaster, has been released and is now available to the public. Retirement: Dream or Disaster joins Rajiv’s ground-breaking DVD series and workbook, Master Your Future, as a powerful planning tool in your retirement toolbox. As a friend of AgingOptions, we know you’ll want to get your copy and spread the word.  

You’ve heard Rajiv say it repeatedly: 70 percent of retirement plans will fail. If you know someone whose retirement turned into a nightmare when they were forced into a nursing home, went broke paying for care, or became a burden to their families – and you want to make sure it doesn’t happen to you – then this book is must-read. 

Through stories, examples, and personal insights, Rajiv takes us along on his journey of expanding awareness about a problem that few are willing to talk about, yet it’s one that results in millions of Americans sleepwalking their way into their worst nightmares about aging. Rajiv lays bare the shortcomings of traditional retirement planning advice, exposes the biases many professionals have about what is best for older adults, and much more. 

Rajiv then offers a solution: LifePlanning, his groundbreaking approach to retirement planning. Rajiv explains the essential planning steps and, most importantly, how to develop the framework for these elements to work in concert toward your most deeply held retirement goals.  

Your retirement can be the exciting and fulfilling life you’ve always wanted it to be. Start by reading and sharing Rajiv’s important message. And remember, Age On, everyone! 

(originally reported at www.washingtonpost.com)