This week on the Blog, as we explore the topic of estate planning, we want to include an aspect of planning that is often overlooked: family dynamics. Our question: when family tensions run high, can professional mediation help reduce the temperature? 

Within any family, there are plenty of potential sources for conflict. Friction can arise when an aging parent needs care but the adult kids aren’t on the same page. Or tensions can spark when a parent plans to divide their estate unequally (a topic we covered here on the Blog just last week). No matter the circumstances, even the closest of families can find themselves in deep disagreement. 

This can be especially true when it comes to issues regarding estates and inheritance. Whether siblings live hundreds of miles apart, or are simply a thousand miles apart in terms of opinions and attitudes, trying to resolve family conflict while in the middle of an argument is a classic example of building an airplane while flying it. Emotions often run high and a peaceful solution seems increasingly elusive. 

For that reason, we were drawn back to this article from the NextAvenue website which we first encountered a few years ago. In it, journalist and author Arlene Weintraub makes a powerful case for families in conflict to engage the services of a family mediator. These trained professionals can provide clear-minded and objective advice to siblings with differing views, helping them avoid the emotional minefields that can arise while seeking equitable and effective solutions. 

Mediator Helps Four Far-Flung Siblings Find Caregiving Solutions 

Weintraub begins her NextAvenue article with a story about Long Island resident Laura Bushman Schneider, who found herself in the middle of a fraught situation when her father passed away, leaving her mother alone with a developing cognitive impairment. Schneider lived fairly near her mother, but her siblings were scattered across the country.  

“That made it challenging to share the responsibilities of caring for their older mother,” Weintraub writes, “and tensions rose as they argued over whether she should be moved to an assisted living facility.”  

The distant siblings felt left out of the conversation, so the family decided to hire a family mediator. That was September. “By October,” says Weintraub, “they had all agreed to move their mom to assisted living, selected a facility and worked together to prepare her for the move. They each volunteered for tasks like helping their mom sort out her finances and coaxing her to give up driving.” 

According to Schneider, mediation allowed them to approach a difficult situation without getting overly emotional, and helped them solve the problem.  

Mediation Isn’t Always About Legal Disputes  

Despite its legal reputation, mediation—and mediators—come in all types and specialties. Weintraub is quick to point out that “you don’t have to be squabbling over power of attorney or other legal issues to benefit from the process.” Resolving disagreements among families, especially with issues regarding elder care, is a growing area of specialization among mediators, and is “designed to lead to a peaceful solution”. 

Gail Goodman of New York mediation firm Talking Alternatives, the firm that Schneider and her family used, explains, “A good mediator is truly neutral and non-judgmental,” and adds, “We’re vested in helping people avoid litigation.” 

Allowing All Voices to Be Heard 

The process is fairly simple and straightforward. “Mediators typically start the process by talking to each member of the family separately,” says Weintraub. “That may include the elder parent, too, provided he or she has the desire and capacity to participate. From there, all family members will meet with the mediator via video conference, during which they will be guided through a structured discussion.” 

Family mediator Andrea Pezel elaborates that this process includes “rules for making it a safe space”, as well as giving every family member a chance to be heard. “It’s about identifying problems, more so than pointing blame,” Pezel says.  

But ultimately, the goal is to come away with “action items”, according to Pezel. Family members should be able to walk away from mediation knowing the next steps and assigned tasks, so that no one is in the dark or out of the loop.  

Bring In a Mediator When Disagreements Persist – but Before a Crisis 

When is it just a squabble, and when does your family need mediation? Weintraub replies, “If you and your siblings have been grappling with elder-care issues for two years or more and haven’t come to any resolutions, mediation could be the answer.” 

The key is not to wait until you’re dealing with a crisis, though Weintraub says that there are mediators who “will offer mediation on short notice to help adult children navigate medical emergencies.” 

Goodman offers an example: “Say the mother has fallen and broken her hip, and she is about to be discharged from the hospital, but the family can’t decide where she should go. Mediation offers an opportunity to have that conversation right away and make a decision.” 

Choosing the Right Mediator for Your Family 

Mediators can have all kinds of expertise and training, including counseling, social work, and law. No matter what your unique needs are, odds are good that there’s a mediator who fits. 

Because of the nature of elder-care, Weintraub suggests that you might try looking for a mediator with an understanding of estate planning, power of attorney, and other related issues. “When it comes to elder care disputes, having legal expertise on board isn’t always necessary, but it can come in handy in some situations,” Weintraub advises. 

Are you looking for a mediator? Weintraub suggests asking your employer first if family mediation is one of your benefits. “You can also search for mediators online at the Academy of Professional Family Mediators or Mediate.com. If legal matters are involved, try your state’s court system. For example, New York’s court system has an online directory of professionals who offer alternative dispute resolution services.” 

Even the thorniest problems can often be resolved with the objective eye of a third party. Allowing every family member to be heard and reaching for tangible solutions together can go a long, long way toward untangling impossible problems. As Weintraub herself concludes, “Mediation is empowering.” 

Rajiv Nagaich – Your Retirement Planning Coach and Guide 

The long-awaited book by Rajiv Nagaich, called Your Retirement: Dream or Disaster, has been released and is now available to the public. Retirement: Dream or Disaster joins Rajiv’s ground-breaking DVD series and workbook, Master Your Future, as a powerful planning tool in your retirement toolbox. As a friend of AgingOptions, we know you’ll want to get your copy and spread the word.  

You’ve heard Rajiv say it repeatedly: 70 percent of retirement plans will fail. If you know someone whose retirement turned into a nightmare when they were forced into a nursing home, went broke paying for care, or became a burden to their families – and you want to make sure it doesn’t happen to you – then this book is must-read. 

Through stories, examples, and personal insights, Rajiv takes us along on his journey of expanding awareness about a problem that few are willing to talk about, yet it’s one that results in millions of Americans sleepwalking their way into their worst nightmares about aging. Rajiv lays bare the shortcomings of traditional retirement planning advice, exposes the biases many professionals have about what is best for older adults, and much more. 

Rajiv then offers a solution: LifePlanning, his groundbreaking approach to retirement planning. Rajiv explains the essential planning steps and, most importantly, how to develop the framework for these elements to work in concert toward your most deeply held retirement goals.  

Your retirement can be the exciting and fulfilling life you’ve always wanted it to be. Start by reading and sharing Rajiv’s important message. And remember, Age On, everyone! 

(originally reported at www.nextavenue.org)