It’s a situation faced by millions of caregivers, yet one that is often unaddressed. An aging parent needs in-home care. One sibling steps up and takes the lead. But over time that son or (more often) that daughter is left to fend for themselves, with little tangible support from family (including other siblings) or friends. The result is often physical and emotional exhaustion combined with a simmering resentment that can tear families apart.

If that sounds grim, we suggest you take a look at this recent article from NextAvenue in which freelance writer Michele Hollow takes a deeper look at the touchy topic of families and caregiving. Many families struggle with the day to day need to provide care, and often the weight falls disproportionately on one sibling. Only with open communication and a willingness to share at least some of the emotional and practical burden can families avoid the danger of broken relationships.

Let’s take a deeper look and see how Hollow suggests caregivers can approach family and friends to help get the support they need.

One Woman’s Story: No Help from Siblings

While the situation presented – the uneven burden of family caregiving – is all too common, Hollow gives us one example in the story of a woman named Nicole Beauchamp.

Despite having two siblings, Beauchamp was the sole caregiver for her aging parents. She cared for her mom who had Parkinson’s disease and later cancer, and also her dad who contracted cancer a few years after the passing of her mom.

While one of her sisters lived out of state, the other lived nearby in New York. “I can literally count on one hand with fingers left over the number of perfunctory visits or times help was tendered,” Beauchamp says, her frustration barely disguised.

Caregiving Duties Often Fall to One Sibling

As mentioned above, Beauchamp’s situation is very common. Hollow writes, “According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 58 percent of caregivers in the United States are women, and 37 percent are caring for a parent or parent-in-law. Nearly 10 percent provide care to someone with dementia.”

Beauchamp, who is self-employed, says, “It’s not uncommon that caregiving duties often fall to one sibling. There’s a misconception that if you’re self-employed, you have a lot of time on your hands.” But, she insists, that’s not true. “There’s a lot of juggling involved.”

She was deeply enmeshed in her parents’ care, applying for power of attorney to manage their finances, taking them to medical appointments, and remaining closely supportive when they dealt with drug side effects and other issues.

The toll was emotional, certainly, but also financial: she wasn’t able to work as much when she became the primary caregiver. Eventually, after her mom’s cancer diagnosis, she hired an aide. “She actually agreed to have someone come a couple of times a week because she felt she couldn’t do everything and she didn’t want me to do everything,” she says.

Advice to Caregivers: Don’t Try to Go It Alone

On the other side of the spectrum, Hollow tells us about a man  named Jimmy Hertilien, a roofing contractor in New Jersey who cared for his aging father. His advice is this: “From helping my own parents, the most important thing is communicating openly and dividing responsibilities fairly among family.”

He elaborates, “When my father had heart surgery, my siblings and I made a schedule to help my mother with chores and errands while he recovered. I handled outdoor tasks like mowing or repairs, my brother did laundry and groceries, and my sister cooked meals. Sharing the load prevented burnout for any one person.”

“Caregiving is Too Much for One Person”

That said, Hertilien knows that every situation is different. He says, “Not all families can collaborate. If your requests for help are refused, you must be firm that caregiving is too much for one person. Seek counseling or mediation and explain how the stress is affecting you and your loved one’s well-being.”

He also adds that families can “hire temporary help from an aide or nursing service. Your own health and ability to provide proper care should be the priority. No one can handle such a difficult situation alone. Reach out to local support groups, nonprofits or a therapist for guidance on starting these difficult conversations.”

In fact, Beauchamp did reach out to a few caregiver groups when she was caring for her dad. “It was helpful because the people in these groups understood what I was going through,” she says. “These groups offered support and lessened the isolation.”

Friends Turn Shared Experience into a Podcast

Sharing the emotional burden with someone who understands can make life so much easier, as Nancy Treaster can attest to. She was caring for her husband, father, and father-in-law all at the same time, because her husband has frontotemporal dementia, also known as aphasia, the same type of dementia as Bruce Willis. Her father-in-law has Alzheimer’s and her late father had Parkinson’s. (We also wrote about Willis’s tragic diagnosis in this 2023 Blog article.)

While family members did step in to help, the support of her close friend, who was also caring for family members at the time, was truly life-changing. 

These two friends lamented the lack of practical caregiving advice out there for people living with dementia, so they decided to do something about it. “We formed a podcast called The Caregiver’s Journey to help other dementia caregivers,” Treaster explains. “Our podcast is tip-oriented. Each [episode] is about 30 minutes. We talk about challenges and how to handle them.”

Asking for Help: Avoid the Sibling Guilt Trip

So what do experts suggest for primary caregivers who want help from family members? Their first tip: ask for that help directly.

“Don’t start with a guilt trip,” says Anton Shcherbakov, a licensed therapist and founder of ClearStep Therapy. “Don’t express how much you have done in the past that the other person didn’t help you with. This is likely to put the other person on the defensive. Instead, explain how you are feeling and ask for what you need. For example, say, ‘I’m feeling really burned out and tired this week. Do you think you can help out with mom this weekend?'”

But if your sibling or other family member refuses, Shcherbakov says there isn’t much you can do. “You can ask nicely and if they refuse, that’s on them,” he says. “However, just because someone refuses once, doesn’t mean that you can’t ask again. You may also ask if there are other ways that they can help. Maybe they can pitch in money for an in-home aide, a grocery delivery or something else. Don’t assume that a ‘no’ to one request is a ‘no’ to all requests.”

Dividing Duties and Dealing with Difficult Emotions

Shcherbakov also suggests dividing up caregiving duties. “In a perfect world, we would divide the chores equally,” he says. “In the real world, things get messy. Start by assessing each person’s availability, willingness, resources and strengths. For example, one person may not mind doing laundry. Continue to have conversations about the division of chores, and try to find one that works for all parties. Open communication is the best way to keep things moving smoothly.”

But sometimes, refusal is more emotional than practical. Some people can’t handle seeing a close family member in decline. “Everyone has a different perspective,” says Michelle Feng, a geropsychologist and chief clinical officer at Executive Mental Health. “It’s important to recognize that not everyone will approach caregiving the same way. One family member may be more hands-on, while another might seem avoidant. But sometimes avoidance isn’t a lack of care; it’s rooted in deeper emotions like guilt or feeling overwhelmed.”

“Understanding these different perspectives can help ease the frustration that often arises when tasks don’t feel evenly shared,” she explains. “It’s not always that family members don’t care — it’s that their emotions may be driving their behavior.”

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(originally reported at www.nextavenue.org)