Caregiver stress is a common topic here on the Blog, for an obvious reason: there are tens of millions of caregivers out there, almost all of whom experience the burden of caregiving in different ways. Either you are a caregiver or you’re connected with one through friendship or family ties. That means someone close to you is shouldering a heavy weight. 

This featured article is yet another in a series of similar pieces we’ve shared offering suggestions for caregivers on how to cope with the stress of caring for a friend or loved one. We came across this article here on the NextAvenue website, a reliable source for helpful information concerning all things related to aging. One thing we particularly liked about this article was the fact that the writer, Emma Nadler, is not only an author but also a psychotherapist. On top of that, she is a caregiver for her severely disabled daughter. 

Nadler offers five helpful coping tips designed to help caregivers establish (or reestablish) important interpersonal connections. She also urges caregivers to be gentle with themselves as they seek to reclaim their identity as individuals, not just as care providers. Let’s take a look. 

Caregivers Often Face a Deep Sense of Isolation 

 Nadler begins, poignantly, “One of the hardest things about being a caregiver is the isolation.” 

As a caregiver for her daughter, who has a rare genetic condition that requires around-the-clock care, Nadler understands the depths of loneliness caregivers often experience.  “There were many days and nights — especially during the seemingly endless hours between midnight and five a.m. as I tended to her feeding tube — when it felt like no one else was even on the planet, let alone awake,” she writes.  

Moreover, she’s certain that many who read that can relate, since there are 53 million caregivers in the United States. Nadler’s message is clear: if you are a caregiver, you are not alone, no matter how much it may feel like you are.  

Central Aim for Caregivers: Reconnecting with Others 

Nadler draws a relatable contrast between knowing something is true and putting it into practice. “As a psychotherapist of over 15 years, I know that connecting with others works to ease the difficulties of nearly any challenge,” she writes. “Yet, in a harried world, caregivers have even less time and energy available for relationships.”  

That said, she says there are small steps that you can take to find support and restoration, even in the midst of your busy life.  

The following are five ways to cope as a caregiver, based on Nadler’s research as well as her own personal experiences. But she adds, “Note: this article is no substitution for therapy or any other medical intervention. If you need immediate help, please contact 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.” 

Coping Tip #1: Seek Routine Connection  

Nadler’s first tip is to build breaks into your regular, daily routine.  

“If your loved one lives at home and you can access respite, get out of the house every day. This will provide a needed break to lift your spirits and prove that the world outside still exists (although it may seem like a different universe),” she writes. She even recommends “microbreaks”, like taking a quick walk around the block, if you can’t get away in other ways.  

But regular rituals like meeting up with a friend for coffee or recurrent activities like religious services, group classes, or clubs, can add structure and consistency in an uncertain season.  

Nadler writes, “Health-related tasks combined with social time can also enhance your wellbeing—and tag teaming with a buddy can bolster morale and accountability. One example is a hike through the woods with a friend. You get the workout, the boost of time spent in nature, and the benefits of social interaction.” 

Coping Tip #2: Get Real  

Next, Nadler turns her attention to the ever-present problem of the expectations placed upon caregivers. She writes, “Many caregivers feel pressure to act as if they are fine, even when they are not. But this form of toxic positivity can be harmful.” 

Her suggested antidote? Name your feelings in the company of trusted loved ones, or even just to yourself. Get real in expressing how hard caregiving can become. 

“Research suggests that putting feelings into words can be therapeutic,” she explains. “Plus, this increases your chances of feeling understood, which is linked with greater life satisfaction and fewer physical symptoms. Being vulnerable is an important element of connection; to feel safer, choose who you confide in based on positive prior experiences.” 

Coping Tip #3: Find Your People  

If the caregiving stats say anything, it’s that millions upon millions of people have either had the caregiving experience or know someone who does. That’s why Nadler advises focusing your energy on finding support among the folks who truly understand.  

“As anyone who has gone through a difficult life experience knows, unfortunately, some people just don’t get it,” she writes. “Invest in relationships with those who accept your grief by showing empathy and care (I’ve found that these remarkable humans have often encountered something life-altering themselves).” 

That said, there are circumstances in which you might not be able to organically form a likeminded circle around yourself. In those situations, a dedicated support group can be a huge encouragement and source of strength.  

Nadler adds, “Inquire with your county and state about the resources available for PCA (personal care attendant) and respite services, along with any disability-related benefits for your loved one. Also, identify medical providers that are compassionate and effective, and move on from those who aren’t helpful as soon as possible.” 

Coping Tip #4: Maintain or Reclaim Your Identity  

For many, being a caregiver can “take over” their life and personality. But while caregiving is an important part of you, it’s only one facet.  

Nadler poses, “Who were you before you became a caregiver? What did you enjoy doing? Where did you enjoy going? You can access those parts of yourself again, starting in small ways.” 

She suggests journaling as a great way to explore those thoughts and feelings. Also, taking a simple trip, even a night off, can help to recontextualize your interests and individuality. “Even a few hours in a novel location can be helpful,” she writes.  

Nadler suggests that you can find meaning by “taking in who you have now become”, recognizing the contrast with the person you used to be. Ideally, she says, this will mean leaving your house, engaging in activities you enjoy, and “coping with the conflicted feelings that arise about carrying on while your loved one is unable to do so. Sacrificing your own wellbeing will not bring peace or good health to others, although the impulse may still arise.” 

Nadler calls this “accessing bursts of hope” even when your loved one is struggling. In her case, therapy made an immense difference, and she thinks it could be highly beneficial for others in her situation, too.  

“I learned that it is possible to still have a good life even under excruciating circumstances, and I believe this is possible for nearly anyone,” she writes, then adds, “Part of that is remembering that you are a person, too.” 

Coping Tip #5: Go Easy on Yourself  

Nadler ends her article with the recognition that caregiving is extremely challenging in every possible way, and that most caregivers experience exhaustion and guilt. But this guilt doesn’t always have a healthy source. Nadler suggests asking yourself this question to sort through what kind of guilt you’re experiencing: “Have I done something wrong?”  

She explains, “I share in my therapy practice that healthy guilt is useful when someone is doing something harmful and can steer them to change their behavior. But if you are acting in alignment with your values and have done nothing wrong, then guilt is unhealthy and serves no purpose.” 

Despite this, she recognizes that no amount of knowledge can reduce the guilt of watching a loved one suffer. Her concluding words are powerful, and we include them here for everyone feeling what she feels:  

“Self-compassion, the act of treating yourself like a dear friend, can be a powerful tool to cope with recurrent, difficult emotions, along with other forms of mindfulness and meditation. Whatever you do, work towards being gentle with yourself, bit by bit. You deserve it.” 

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(originally reported at www.nextavenue.org)