As Rajiv frequently reminds us, the choices we make about our housing in retirement are crucially important. Staying in an unsafe house for too long can put us at risk of harm. Packing up and moving too hastily can be a costly mistake. Buying that so-called “dream home” can leave us with a hefty mortgage and a bad case of buyer’s remorse. Moving to the wrong retirement home can strain our finances without alleviating our social isolation.

But there’s another option which seems to be gaining in popularity. According to this recent report from NextAvenue, about 20 percent of 55-year-olds say they fully expect to one day move in with their adult kids. It’s almost a “reverse empty nest” situation – only mom and dad are the ones coming back home.

Freelance journalist Lucy Lazarony, who writes about age-related issues, explains in her article that, while finances may be driving the decision for many, there are also good, valid reasons why multi-generational living – which is the norm in the majority of cultures worldwide – can work out well. However, there needs to be a clear understanding of ground rules and an abundant dose of grace and patience in order for this arrangement to succeed. Let’s see what Lazarony suggests.

Living With Your Kids: a “Radical” Step Requiring Adjustment

Lazarony bases her article on the 2024 Pulse of the American Retiree survey by Prudential Financial. This survey found that nearly one-quarter of 55-year-olds expect to need financial support from family or friends in retirement — twice as many as 65- to 75-year-olds. One in five of these respondents expects they will need to move back in with adult children.

“Fifty-five-year-old Americans are far less financially secure than older generations,” the Prudential analysis reports, “and [they] face mental and emotional strain that extends beyond prevailing notions about the ‘midlife’ crisis.” The report adds that 21 percent of those age 55 anticipate the need for housing support from family. But fully half of these respondents say they have not yet discussed that need with their family members.

That many parents moving in with their kids “would be a radically new dynamic,” says Lazarony, “and may take some adjusting to get it right. Here are tips for families living together in the adult child’s house.”

Tip #1: Make Your Expectations Clear

First, when it comes to any kind of major lifestyle change, details matter. And Lazarony says that those details need to be made crystal clear to everyone involved. Start with the basics: exactly where will the older parent or grandparent live, and how long will they be there?

“You really do need to be clear about what this living arrangement is going to look like and what the expectations are,” says Cathleen Summers, a nurse and attorney at Generations Law Group in Massachusetts. “When you fail to be clear, it really is an open door for tensions.”

Summers and her husband and fellow attorney, Phil, have hosted a webinar on multigenerational living. You can learn more about their approach here.

Tip #2: Be Transparent Concerning Household Expenses

While money talk can be challenging among family, it’s still important to nail down whether or not the parent will be contributing to the household costs and—if so—how much and how often. 

Justin Pritchard, a certified financial planner in Montrose, Colorado, says, “Explore ways for parents to contribute. Even if they’re not paying market-rate rent, parents may want to contribute something. That might mean paying a modest amount, helping with meal preparation and cleanup, home improvements, childcare or anything else.”

Attorney Phil Summers agrees, and urges family not to wait to talk about this important detail with your loved one. “You really need to discuss upfront who is going to pay for what,” he says.

Tip #3: Make Sure the Household Finances are Handled Fairly

Along the lines of financial conversations, it’s important not only to discuss how the finances will be split, but also to make sure that the arrangement is equitable.

Unfairness can be a real obstacle in multigenerational living situations. Cathleen Summers says, “You end up with someone who is feeling like they are putting more money to groceries, they’re paying more of the electric costs, they’re paying for the cable television and not really using it. These things can become big issues if you haven’t talked them through and thought about them ahead of time.”

Tip #4: Household Duties and Chores Must be Clearly Shared

Running a household is already challenging enough, but more individuals living in a home means more chores, more dirty dishes and laundry, more wear-and-tear on the house itself.

It’s vital to ask: how will the parent or grandparent participate in the household tasks? And if they aren’t able to physically contribute much, is it possible they can help hire a cleaning service to tackle the additional work?

It boils down to this, as Phil Summers poses: “Is there the expectation that you’ll be contributing to the household or will someone be brought in to help out?”

Tip #5: Set Clear Expectations Regarding Length of Stay

While it may be an uncomfortable topic, it’s essential to be clear up front about your limits in housing an aging parent so there is less conflict and disappointment later.

“What can start as caring for mom for six months after a hip fracture can turn into decades of living with her unless there are boundaries,” says Jay Zigmont, a certified financial planner and founder of Childfree Wealth. “There is also a financial limit to how much you can support your parents before your retirement and long-term care are impacted.”

Communication is vital here. “Discuss expectations for how long the arrangement will last,” Pritchard says. “Is this the plan for the rest of each parent’s life, including periods where long-term care is needed? Is it temporary, until Social Security benefits or a pension begin?”

Tip #6: Establish and Maintain Personal Boundaries

One of the assumptions about an aging parent moving into the home is that they can and will help out indefinitely with any grandchildren. This can be one of the sweetest parts of multigenerational living.

But Lazarony points out that every group living situation needs healthy boundaries. “As much as a grandparent loves the grandkids, they may need a break from them from time to time,” she writes. Don’t treat the aging parent like an automatic 24/7 babysitter.

Phil Summers agrees. “Is your privacy important? When is it OK for the grandchildren to barge into your room or apartment? When is it not OK?” he says. “Is there a certain way you like things done? Do you like to watch TV at night and like to do it alone or read? Or are you more sociable? Think about your own lifestyle and how that will work with your family.”

Tip #7: Become Familiar with Your Parent’s Finances

Lazarony then turns her attention to a wider view of the financial situation: not just your own, but your parents’, too.

“With boundaries set, the next step is to get a good picture of your parents’ financial and medical situation,” Zigmont says. “We regularly check our clients’ parents’ finances, and we usually find that they are in worse condition than we thought or they have a lot more money than they thought. Income disparities are rampant in the elderly population, and you need to know which side your parents are on.”

Lazarony adds: don’t forget to examine a parent’s insurance and long-term care policies. “Pay particular attention to any insurance policies your parents may have. They may be paying too much for life insurance or other products that they don’t need,” Zigmont says.

“At the same time,” he adds, “if your parents have a long-term care insurance policy, you want to get listed as an additional payer to ensure a payment is never missed. One missed payment to an LTC insurance policy can result in the coverage being canceled, and hundreds of thousands of dollars of coverage lost.”

Tip #8: Put the Essential Details in Writing

Verbal agreements may feel like an abnormal part of family life, but Lazarony advises that you set the details of your new living arrangement down in writing so that everyone can see and agree to them. As awkward as this might seem, it’s an important step to ensure clarity and minimize painful misunderstanding.

Phil Summers says, “Write it in a contract or at least write it down so if there’s any conflict down the road or misunderstandings, hopefully you had a chance to address the issues in advance.”

Tip #9: Make Sure Your Parent Feels Welcome

Moving is emotional, and a little bit of kindness and patience goes a long way when helping your parent move into your home.

“Invite your parent into your home with an open-heart. Emphasize that the parent is wanted and that he/she isn’t a burden,” says Shira Block, a psychotherapist and author of “When Your Parent Moves In: Every Adult Child’s Guide to Living With an Aging Parent.”

She also advises, “Change your routine to include the parent rather than have the parent as a side thought.”

Tip #10: Stay Flexible and Make Frequent Adjustments

No matter how much planning is applied to your new situation, things can always change. Shifting circumstances may mean adjustments, and will require flexibility.

“It really can be an incredibly positive experience for everyone [to live together],” Cathleen Summers says. “You just have to have clarity about things and an ability to openly communicate and adjust the plan as time goes on.”

Lazarony writes that continuous, open communication is key. “Keep the lines of communication open and be ready to make adjustments as time passes,” Block says.

Rajiv Nagaich – Your Retirement Planning Coach and Guide

The long-awaited book by Rajiv Nagaich, called Your Retirement: Dream or Disaster, has been released and is now available to the public. Retirement: Dream or Disaster joins Rajiv’s ground-breaking DVD series and workbook, Master Your Future, as a powerful planning tool in your retirement toolbox. As a friend of AgingOptions, we know you’ll want to get your copy and spread the word.

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Through stories, examples, and personal insights, Rajiv takes us along on his journey of expanding awareness about a problem that few are willing to talk about, yet it’s one that results in millions of Americans sleepwalking their way into their worst nightmares about aging. Rajiv lays bare the shortcomings of traditional retirement planning advice, exposes the biases many professionals have about what is best for older adults, and much more.

Rajiv then offers a solution: LifePlanning, his groundbreaking approach to retirement planning. Rajiv explains the essential planning steps and, most importantly, how to develop the framework for these elements to work in concert toward your most deeply held retirement goals.

Your retirement can be the exciting and fulfilling life you’ve always wanted it to be. Start by reading and sharing Rajiv’s important message. And remember, Age On, everyone!

(originally reported at www.nextavenue.org)